Gillian Monks

'Making Fairytales Come True'

Tag: Tolerance

‘Careless Talk’

One of my favourite summer harvests – these sweetpeas smell divine!

A few days ago, we celebrated Lammas, (or as some call it, Lughnasa). This is the time of the first main harvest of the year, which are the grains: wheat, rye, oats, etc..

Traditionally, it has always been a time for communities to pause in their busy long-days-of-sunlight summer lives and come together. While the weather is more reasonable, many would travel distances to join with loved ones not often seen during the rest of the year, to feast while food was fresh and plentiful, and to compete in games of strength and skill in an atmosphere of amiable competition. It was a golden opportunity to conduct many business meetings, strike deals, make agreements, reach compromises and understandings, and also celebrate marriages.

On reflection, perhaps we still haven’t moved so very far away from this arrangement, only now we operate at a national or global level, rather than in an intimate local society. The beginning of August is the peak time for people to go away on holiday… there are numerous festivals and events at this time of year, many countries have recently held their political elections, and right now the greatest sporting event on earth is taking place in the form of the Olympic Games in Paris. Think about it. Over all, we are still following the old pattern of behaviour based on the seasons and rhythms of the natural world.

For me personally, it is the opportunity to come together, to catch up, to spend time and to celebrate on-going life… and to talk to one another… to exchange news, chew the fat and discuss the state of the world. Showing an interest in one another is laudable; learning about people from different cultures and with different approaches to life is admirable, but it needs to be done sympathetically in a spirit of genuine kindness and compassion, with a good measure of tolerance and as complete a lack of judgement and bias as possible. It is too easy to learn half (or even a fraction) of a tale and then jump to conclusions, and to react with arrogance from a place of false and ignorant superiority.

While my family and friends gathered under a clear blue sky in the sunshine and deep peace on our land on the far western peninsular of the Llyn, folk in many towns and cities chose to take to the streets to protest and display their displeasure… also their crippling insecurities, frustration and impotence.  Doubtless, they chatted on all the various forms of social media available and used increasingly stirring and inflammatory language as they spurred each other on to turn on their fellow human beings – unwitting and innocent targets – scapegoats on which some deeply damaged and broken members of our society decided to vent their own agony.

For we only tend to be mean or hurtful when we are unhappy or frightened. It is an unfortunate but basic human trait. Something goes wrong in our lives and we frantically cast about for someone else to blame –  and to make pay – and the easiest target is the one who is different from all the rest… who is a different colour, has different beliefs or way of life, someone whose differences are perceived as posing a possible threat to general security and stability and therefore one who must be eliminated, when in reality we ultimately damage ourselves just as much, if not more, than the objects of our fear and self- distraction.

Lobbing rocks and items of furniture, torching cars and buildings, looting and destroying and attacking one’s fellow human beings is extreme, but the essence of the problem can be mirrored in something as simple as a careless judgemental comment or a throw away opinion. From everyday actions and emotions come many of the miseries of our world.

Gossip is no less dangerous and destructive, from when a simple fact becomes accidentally distorted and untrue, to purposefully poisonous lies.

Next time you catch yourself criticising someone, please stop and ask yourself how you are feeling. In reality, are you worried, frightened or concerned about another matter altogether, perhaps something about which you are powerless, and so it provides a temporary release to lash out at someone else – for a time it also takes the focus of attention away from you.

‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.’ Whoever first coined that particular children’s old playground chant obviously had absolutely no idea how wounding and painful a negative word can be. And it is not simply others who stand to feel the lash of our ill-considered tongues – we are all guilty of using hurtful language against ourselves: “I must be daft!” “You stupid fool!” “I’m such an idiot!” are all simple everyday types of judgement we hurl at ourselves, both in our thoughts and in actual spoken words, but they are no less wounding. Words have a life of their own and they do find their mark, especially when the target is ourself.

Perhaps we can all try to be more aware and vigilant about the language we use about ourselves and each other? Can we be more careful not to make assumptions, and to learn the truth from the people in question before we decide to go mouthing off, or taking to the streets (even metaphorically) in violent reaction?

“Careless talk costs lives” was an important catch phrase during the Second World War. For the pain we can cause ourselves and each other, and the power careless talk can have to incite and misinform, perhaps it is as relevant today as it was eighty years ago.

Be kind – to yourself and others – and try to think before you speak.

Peace in Our Time?

152,512 World Globe Stock Photos - Free & Royalty-Free Stock ...

I look out of my window; the sun is shining, the grass is regreening after winter, snowdrops, crocus and daffodils are all blooming simultaneously, birds are singing and spring is definitely on the way. The village is quiet and peaceful. Already, the first lock-down of the Covid pandemic is four years in the past; a global catastrophe which we have survived and many of us hoped would herald the dawn of a new, interconnected, co-operative, global community.

Yet, where do we find ourselves now? Russia and Ukraine are slogging out a multinational war by proxy and Israel is tasting what it is like to be the oppressors in its infliction of genocide upon the Palestinian people, while the rest of us struggle with our feelings of fear, impotence, sadness and horror. Worse, the sabre-rattling is spreading and the drums of all-out war are beginning to reverberate around the globe.

How do we deal with this? You and I, sitting in our safe cosy homes, what can we do to combat the fear, violence and misery?

I feel that the key word here is ‘fear’. We tend to fear what we do not know. Humanity has always reacted to the unknown with suspicion and blind aggression. However, there is a world of difference between personal ignorance and fear and the global woes generated by commerce and national governments for their own nefarious purposes.

When I was a child, I travelled quite a lot with my mother who was keen for me to learn about other peoples, places and cultures. Even as a young child, I loved writing letters and kept in touch with any children (and sometimes adults!) that I came across on my travels. Once I entered my teens I joined a penfriend organisation and developed relationships with other youngsters  around the world.

My personal connections completely coloured my perspective of and feelings for other nations. I first noticed this when watching the Eurovision Song Contest. I was more interested in the entries of other countries and didn’t care so much about how well the U.K. did so long as my pal’s countries were receiving recognition and appreciation too. It was no longer France but Jacqueline’s people, not Italy, but Domenico and his friends.

I developed friendships all across Europe into Eastern Europe, Greece, Turkey, North and South America, Sri Lanka and Hong Kong. It was huge fun and the whole family would wait with baited breath for the morning post to arrive and the next instalment of juvenile news from abroad.

By my mid teens, some of my penfriends were coming to stay with us in the school holidays and by the time I was in my late teens, it was not unusual to find boys and girls from several different nations sitting around our table. As these also covered widely disparate cultures and religions, my poor mother was sometimes hard put to accommodate and feed everyone without causing a minor diplomatic incident. Trust had to be worked at.

“Mummy! Julie has bacon for breakfast… did you cook my eggs in the same pan?”
“Now, Mehmet, you know I would never do such a thing,” my mother would reply patiently as she produced two separate frying pans from the kitchen.

Wenche from Norway was like a sister to me… Harsha from Sri Lanka was the peacemaker in everything… Kathleen from America thought that English boys were ‘perfectly obnoxious’ in their ‘good manners’ which she viewed as patronising and anti-feminist… but we all got on together and laughed and learned about each other – my slightly harassed father used to refer to us as the ‘United Nations’.

Amusingly, everyone referred to my parents as ‘Mummy’, and ‘Daddy’, and when we paid return visits, as many other people (especially in the East) found the ‘J’ of Joan difficult to get their tongues around, my mother was startled to discover that everyone else referred to her as ‘Mummy’ too! Even in my late forties, I would still take phone calls when the caller asked how ‘Mummy’ was, or receive letters where the writer asked if  ‘Daddy’ was still playing his drums in the dance band.

As I grew older I joined a larger penfriend community which for a single very reasonable fee offered sixteen potential penfriends in countries, ages and interests of my choice. (International Pen Friends https://www.ipfworld.com/index.html) Inevitably, more serious questions arose in our correspondence, especially when I began writing to a meteorologist in former East Germany who wished to improve his English… but I ended up marrying him so we obviously got that right!

The way I see it now, we have options.

One: that we reach out in any way possible and befriend/make a relationship with someone from another country(s). In this case, familiarity potentially breeds mutual fondness, knowledge, trust and support. It suddenly becomes personal and is no longer ‘me’ and ‘them’ but ‘us’.

Two: in our modern multicultural, multi-gender society, we strive to get to know our neighbours… the people who breath the same air, drink the same water, walk the same roads and sleep only metres away from us. They are our local community and by wider definition, their people and country/place of origin become ours, too. I have a very dear Nigerian friend living a mile away in the next village – now every Nigerian I see is a part of her, and her land and people are dear to me and matter because of my friendship and love for her. My heart goes out to her – and to them – I have ‘adopted’ them… and that relationship sticks.

Similarly, some of my neighbours come from other parts of the U.K. which I know nothing about, but I have ‘adopted’ them as well and they are also dear to me now. Having said that, I no less value and appreciate my next-door-neighbour who was born and bred in this valley, or the people up the road who also hale from the town where I was born.

I feel that I am in the right place here in Wales for this to be understood – a society where first names are always used rather than surnames and titles, everyone is seen as equal, and community connection is of paramount importance, only topped by the sacred act of hospitality to strangers… For, of course, once someone has lived with you, (no matter how briefly), eaten at your table, laughed with you, possibly shared their concerns and commiserated with you too, they are no longer strangers but also members of your wider family, and their people are no longer ‘aliens’ or ‘strangers’ either but extended family, brothers and sisters of your new-found family member. So our ‘family’ grows.

Yes, family members frequently disagree or fall out, but if they have also shared the good times and genuine friendship and respect has been previously developed, it makes it easier to find one’s way back to talking and sorting out the problems. You certainly stand a much better chance than if you have to deal with a total stranger, with no comprehension of their culture, their thoughts and feelings or perspective on life.

For the bottom line is that we are all connected, all one with each other and all a part of our planet Earth, we simply express our perception of life as befits our geographical area and the way we have developed in it. This need not lead to division and descension but can, instead, enrich the vitality, vibrancy and texture of our shared lives. The key words here are equality and love.

Think about it. Who is in your extended family? How do you interact with them? How might you bring these disparate members closer together? How might you reach out further afield?

Just my own thoughts on a sunny February afternoon… and I would love to hear your own thoughts and opinions, for we too, are connected and I care what you think and feel.

With my love.

 

Contact Us | Privacy Policy & GDPR |

Copyright © 2018 Gillian Monks.

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén